I wait in line, listening to the screams of joy or fear.. hard to determine which.
I have this feeling of anxiety; wait, maybe it is fear. I am much too young to determine.
Instead I cry at the loss of words for this emotion. It feels like I am about to overcome something great.
The doors open up, and my Dad grabs my hand..
Into the cart I go!
The bars come down, and the conductor gives a thumbs up.
No turning back now.
As the cart rumbles up the tracks, and the world slowly starts to fade away quietly,
I close my eyes.
The last few ticks of the cart come to a screeching holt, and it is there my dad yells with a big grin-
"Haylee, open your eyes!"
There it is again, that disparate unknown sensation of fear with a hint of ----.
I am afraid of this perception. I am high up in the air, what if I fall to my death?
It is in those final seconds of the ticks of the cart that I unravel.
I open my eyes to free myself from what once seem unescapable.
We fall.. down we go!
I am flying through the sky, going through loops-
upside down this way, turning every which way!
The cart suddenly screams to a stop. I look at my dad with a belly full of happiness.
I did it, I thought- just as my father said,
"Haylee you did it!"
I am not sure why such a profound moment in my childhood can tip-toe its way out of my brain, but it found its way back, now in a time I needed it the most.
What is your purpose for waking up in the morning? Is it your family, friends, work, nature or love?
Now think about what you try to avoid in life. Is it depression, anxiety or death?
Why do we allow ourselves to suffer in our own reality? Is it comfortability or maybe a fear of the unknown? Look into the unknown and it is there that you start to be more familiar with it.
Here is another important question to ask yourself: How did the younger version of yourself deal with anxiety?
Jamineson Webster on the Apology podcast, spoke about anxiety and depression. She states that The difference between fear and anxiety is that fear has an object that is recognizable. Anxiety does not have an object, instead a feeling of dread. This makes the anxiety attach to itself and it becomes a full loop that you are then trapped in at that point, because there is no escape.
Facing the unknown, or that anxiety that does not have an object can only begin to heal you. Sit in it, and sit with it. If you sit long enough, you may start to feel like you are about to overcome something great. Do not be afraid of yourself. Sit and marinate in the love that you hold within.
We are the light.
The Apology podcast episode can be found here:
https://www.apologymagazine.com/podcast-list/jamieson-webster-podcast
The podcast also has an episode with Hamilton Morris, I recommend giving a listen ☺
