Face Yourself

I wait in line,  listening to the screams of joy or fear.. hard to determine which.

I have this feeling of anxiety; wait, maybe it is fear. I am much too young to determine. 

Instead I cry at the loss of words for this emotion. It feels like I am about to overcome something great. 

The doors open up, and my Dad grabs my hand.. 

Into the cart I go!

The bars come down, and the conductor gives a thumbs up. 

No turning back now. 

As the cart rumbles up the tracks, and the world slowly starts to fade away quietly, 

I close my eyes. 

The last few ticks of the cart come to a screeching holt, and it is there my dad yells with a big grin-

"Haylee, open your eyes!"

There it is again, that disparate unknown sensation of fear with a hint of ----.

I am afraid of this perception. I am high up in the air, what if I fall to my death? 

It is in those final seconds of the ticks of the cart that I unravel.

I open my eyes to free myself from what once seem unescapable. 

We fall.. down we go! 

I am flying through the sky, going through loops- 

upside down this way, turning every which way!

The cart suddenly screams to a stop. I look at my dad with a belly full of happiness. 

I did it, I thought- just as my father said, 

"Haylee you did it!"

    I am not sure why such a profound moment in my childhood can tip-toe its way out of my brain, but it found its way back, now in a time I needed it the most. 

    What is your purpose for waking up in the morning? Is it your family, friends, work, nature or love?

    Now think about what you try to avoid in life. Is it depression, anxiety or death?

 

    Why do we allow ourselves to suffer in our own reality? Is it comfortability or maybe a fear of the unknown? Look into the unknown and it is there that you start to be more familiar with it.

Here is another important question to ask yourself: How did the younger version of yourself deal with anxiety? 

Jamineson Webster on the Apology podcast, spoke about anxiety and depression. She states that The difference between fear and anxiety is that fear has an object that is recognizable. Anxiety does not have an object, instead a feeling of dread. This makes the anxiety attach to itself and it becomes a full loop that you are then trapped in at that point, because there is no escape. 

  Facing the unknown, or that anxiety that does not have an object can only begin to heal you. Sit in it, and sit with it. If you sit long enough, you may start to feel like you are about to overcome something great. Do not be afraid of yourself. Sit and marinate in the love that you hold within. 

We are the light. 

The Apology podcast episode can be found here:

https://www.apologymagazine.com/podcast-list/jamieson-webster-podcast

The podcast also has an episode with Hamilton Morris, I recommend giving a listen ☺

Thoughts after Crying Session

     

I start to cry and I think, "okay I have prepared myself for this." I know it sounds silly but it can be hard to focus when it all comes flowing out. I also wish we could end the stigma behind crying and how you "aren't strong" if you do it. It is a beautiful thing to release those emotions. It shows vulnerability, and just like that you begin healing. 

    In this life, it can be difficult to not compare yourself to others and their success. I think that our society has birthed each and every one of us in a unique way. It is important to not hold others at a higher stance than we do ourselves. We all walk different paths but the beautiful thing is that this path leads us all to the same place. "We are all just walking each other home"(Ram Das). 

    In my early twenties, I put my education on the fore front of my mind- I want to land that job where I can finally work one on one with those who may need it. Instead I am forced to put education aside in order to pay for living, food, transportation, etc. I work endless hours just to see the rise and fall. It seems almost really unfair to be put through such a vicious cycle like that. I understand that I am not alone, and many have it far worse than me. The common theme behind this, is that we all see how this does not align with what we want out of life. The sad thing is, is that we get trapped in thinking that this is just how our world has to be. It is all apart of the plan, and the way that we have been raised up, to just accept this as our normal. Knowing this and accepting this was the first step for me, as hard as I have cried and the anger that has come from it. Truth is, not just one person can change this but, it can cause a small rip in the current.

The second step after coming to terms with this, was the research of eastern spiritual practices. It seems our body can not escape this rat race. However our minds can travel through eternity.  

You are here for a reason. This, I truly believe. 

I love you,

Hayleeॐ

Short Term Goals for 2022

 

            Good Rising friends ☺ 

                  Today is Thursday Jan 13th. 

                   We are already in the second week of this new year, and it feels really nice. I hope that                               everybody feels the same, but it is okay if you don't. Today I wanted to share some of the goals                    that I have set for myself this new year. So what I did was split these up into three categories:                    Short term, Midterm, and Longterm! 

    My short term goals:  So for my short term goals, I started with losing fifteen pounds by the end of March. This can easily be achieved, especially if I continue to embody that 15 pound lighter Haylee everyday when I rise. So what this looks like is: being intuitive with my eating, moving my body each day, being KIND to myself and most importantly, being consistent. I emphasize being kind, because it all starts in the mind. You spend 100% of the time with yourself. Make that space in your head a nurturing place to spend time. I also want to add, it took me awhile to stop being so mean to myself. It made me feel silly to finally come to the realization that being so tough on me is doing no good. You do not have to be that mean coach to yourself.  What is it going to hurt to be nice to yourself? If somebody tells you that you are great, take that compliment and believe that! No more denying it. Speak KINDNESS to yourself babe! 

    Okay okay, so for my second short term goal I put that I would like to send out all of the packages. I have so many people that I love back in Texas, and I want to send things that I find here in Washington. I also just want to write people letters with really pretty pictures that I take here. This state is so beautiful, and if I could share what I see to others who may never find their way up in the North West, I am going to do it, and love every second of it! Also- if you would like to be added to the list of mail that I need to send out let me know. I would be so happy to write you a special letter  ☺    

My last short term goal is to visit home! Which will be achieved very soon, at the end of March. I am so excited to hug my loved ones and just share a really sacred and nurturing space with everybody. 

I write all of this with love and protection from anyone who may want me to fail or wish me harm. We learn and grow every day, individualistically as well as collectively. There is no one who is better or worse, we are all connected through love. 

I hope this finds you with peace and kindness. Speak light to yourself. 

   

In Lak'ech Ala K'in   ॐ

I Moved Across The US

        

        Yesterday I was taking my walk around the neighborhood, surrounded by the whitest of snow. I have been making a habit of this in order to move my body and allow myself to clear up my thoughts a bit. I started to really understand the beauty of the switch made in my reality. It was all really clear that I am living a completely new life in a completely different state, and this all quickly happened. It has been about a little over a month since I have been away from my family and the only state I have ever lived in. To be completely honest, I have only ever lived with my parents my whole live. Every 22 years of it.  I was very nomadic back in Texas, I loved to be on the move and really loved visiting my friends and family. Everyone lived spread out and I had the honor of getting to visit anytime I liked. It was fun to always be on the go, I enjoyed that. I was always the first to answer and help anytime anyone needed it. Being away, I feel as if I am understanding more and healing from the constant movement. Honestly as much as I loved helping and putting smiles on others faces, it was draining for me at times. I had hard lows and did not know how to handle them. 

    I had so much happen in 2021. A lot of lows and a lot of highs. At one point I very much turned to alcohol and used it take my mind off of how uncomfortable I was in my reality. I felt my spirit guides/ ancestors\universe through all of this. I at times would numb the truth enough to stop talking for awhile, but it always came back. This is not where I belong.. and there are others in the world that would like to experience my love, as I experience theirs. I could ask myself why ignore or get rid of the truth when I could just act on it, and break the pattern right then. Change is scary, and for the longest time I did my best to stay as comfortable as I possibly could in my situation. It just began to feel impossible, and I had to act on it at once. I think that everyone goes through this. I learned to not let the fear of failure stop me from doing what I feel is the very best for my higher self. 

    I started writing this four days ago and I am just now coming back to finish this off. This year I am making it a priority to post on here once every week, and no I do not even care if anyone views it. This just makes me feel good and why not do something good for yourself? I want to talk more in depth about my journey through this beautiful and mysterious life. Come heal and grow with me   ☺

ॐ

What They Don't Tell You

You see, you graduate from highschool and everyone is so proud and for a moment, you feel like you could reach for the stars. Then all of a sudden, you start to feel a wave of loneliness hit you like a truck. I don't know if that is just the feeling of getting kicked out into the world with what it seems to feel like no experience at all, but it is far from pleasant. Everything is just far from normal for awhile, and  I do understand that getting use to it is essential, but does it ever feel normal again?  The answer is, yes. There will be times in your life where you feel like a different person each time you go through a new phase. There will be times where you feel lonely, or feel like you are way out of your comfort zone, but you have to get up each morning and get through it. Find something that you are passionate about, build up your passion and work on it each day. Tell your loved ones exactly how much you love them and how thankful you are for them. Life is going to get hard, but you have to keep pushing through it and be happy.
      As I start on my new journey to college, I hope to keep this mindset and keep pushing through the hard times that I know I will inevitably face.